Until the age of 12 I was a scrawny little runt. Hell, from 10 to 11 people thought I was a little boy most of the time (which generally put me in not so pleasant mood). Then comes 12...AND boobs. Tatas. Chi-chis. Melons. Fun Bags. Dirty Pillows. In 7th grade the girls in gym said I stuck my chest out when I ran and found it wildly humorous to make fun of me. I couldn't help that I got boobs and they didn't! What a bunch of assholes!
So with the boobs comes the rest of woman hood and all the sudden my svelt skinny girlish figure disappeared never to return again and I've battled the "fat" gene ever since. (insert Napoleon Dynamite annoyed sound here: ugggggggggggggggg).
If you haven't seen that movie - watch it. It's frickin' awesome.
Anywho - Apparently good 'ol Mother N forgot to tell those things to stop growing and after getting totally fed up with the asinine comments guys would make like, "Did you grow those youself.." with a Beavis and Butthead giggle - totally amused at their *wit* I ended up getting a reduction at 23. Painful - but WORTH it. And any dude that claims it's "a slap in the face of god" can go suck his own balls.
As I continue to get older the bich still continues to make my life miserable any chance she gets and now I am convinced that she has partenered up with Freddy Kreuger. In my mind when I was a wee little one she said, "Oh you like to watch those gory movies little girl? Well wait until you find what I have in store for you!" Evil witch laugh and all!
I hit 30 and BAM - gray hair. Like - allot of them. DUDE!? I'm only 30 - not some decrepit old woman with a cane. I still drink vodka and dance to rap music! What's up with this gray? I have dark brown hair - this isn't easy to hide! So after plucking damn near a few bald spots - fine. Highlights it is. Then BAM! When did these laugh lines around my mouth stop going away when I stop smiling???? WTF is up with THAT you hooker!? I don't even smoke! Ok - start with skin regimine. My mother bought me some anti-aging product for my birthday this year because I'm "at that age" so guess it's time to use it. Fark me.
Then BAM - special monthly time and pimples all over my face. Ok - seriously? You are gonna give me gray hair AND laugh lines like I'm an old hag and now you're gonna give teenager pimples too? How did I get the shit end of this stick??? Totally unacceptable and you know it!
Then after all that - as I said, I am concvinced she and Freddy are conspiring against me. There is no other feasible explination. There just isn't. Freddy now resides in my womb. He uses those shiny knife finger-blades to chop up my insides and inflict a pain so awful I feel like I'm going to sprout two extra heads and start eating people's faces off and then run in the woods like a chupacabra and howl at the moon even in the daylight! It's that bad!
PRAISE Coco Chanel for Vodka and good lovin' from my man who loves me even when I'm a possesed chupacabra.
Amen.
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